Ok, so I didn’t realise back in August 2010 that it was going to take so long to blog again. There were so many things in my mind I could have blogged about and I didn’t get around to committing a single one to paper. The ideas have evaporated somewhat and I’m not worried about that, life has a habit of putting things in perspective for you every once in a while; 2010 will go down in history for not following ‘the plan’ (life never does hey?); In the first half of the year, my Nan died, followed a few weeks later by the death of one of my uncles. In the summer I moved house and started a job in the same month (happy but mildly stressful time). In October, things took another dive when I found out my temporary job was to end 6 months early, a month later it snowed, snowed and then snowed some more causing all manner of stress and risk to life and limb.
A full year by anyone’s standard but 2010 hadn’t delivered all of its challenges yet. Two weeks before Christmas I received a phone call that will haunt me for years to come, a call from my Mum to say that my brother-in-law had died unexpectedly. I will never forget the week that followed, and the agony of seeing my Mum trying to be in two places at one time as my twin sister went into hospital for 5 days for a serious operation and, as it turned out, a blood tranfusion. Mum and I did a crazy motorway dash from Cheshire to Yorkshire in freezing fog to visit Helen in hospital, stopping only to pick up tobbogans for the children and some lunch (I've learned that children don't stop being children just because they are grieving). I was given a glimpse that day of what it means to be a parent, and now understand that the hardest part of parenting often happens well after your children have flown the nest.
Two months on, the pain hasn’t eased a single bit, my head still spins and my blood still runs cold just thinking about it…I am well aware that I haven’t even begun to process the grief I feel for my sister Tanya’s loss. I’m also aware that I am using an unbelievable amount of energy trying not to think about my niece and nephew’s loss.
Two days after the funeral, I went to a job interview, and two days after that I celebrated Christmas as best as I could. We are taught from such an early age that the best way to deal with disappointment and loss is to pick ourselves up and carry on. That’s what I’m doing, that’s what my whole family is doing. One day at a time.
Today ‘Hope is where the He:art is’, an art collaboration with my twin sister Helen has become the metaphoric phoenix rising from the ashes of our family’s loss. It feels like a useful way of moving forward and focusing on the future. Our hope is to build a legacy that raises awareness of heart disease and provides a small amount of financial support to our sister and her children, as well as to the British Heart Foundation. You can read all about it here.
